elephant shoes
ok. if it was not official before, it certainly is now. i am in desperate withdrawl of the East side of my previous world. the life with the masters thesis, the parties galore, the anxiety, the anyst of academia. but most of all i miss the city...ahh the city. usually no words can adequately describe it, fully comprehend it's brilliance....images hardly do it justice...
just as you think you've gotten over it. the city that masqueraded itself as an abusive boyfriend. winter's so bone chillingly cold you cursed it's very existence on the planet earth, then springs like true re-birth's openings...that's right you thought you got over all that.you thought you moved on...you tried to push the memories away, you packed your previous self into a can and sat it on your metaphorical shelf - chalking it up to history and all that goes with it. then one day you walk into a harmless video store - with a few extra dollars in your pocket and a few (so seldom) extra minutes to spare just looking around - like an art historian in the MoMa you let your mind wander...then you find a movie that perks your interest - its cover something apart from the others...it draws you in... you realize this movie was filmed in your favorite and long forgotten city about a topic so often bewildering...you realize you must buy this movie - not rent it BUY it - but you've never seen it - you take a chance - like that previous self on the shelf is calling from within forcing you on-ward. as you watch you are consumed - consumed by a loss. a loss you thought you grieved but is still there...
yes the movie was Elephant Shoes by christos sourligas and it spoke to me. spoke to me from something i thought i had left behind. it spoke to me about dreams i had once of a city that called to me. about dreams i had once of a life that i wanted to lead - to seek. i had forgotten about this life i dreampt of - about the oh so very special people that inhabit this place and that 'je ne sais quoi' that grabs you on a simple walk around the city scapes - i had forgotten about the earnest and honest 'being' that happens in this place. and i was reminded.
not only am i caught in this (hopefully fleeting) web of sickening regret (dont worry i live here I am used to it) but i am hopelessly upset that a friend of mine is returning there shortly. he arrived emotionally catatonic from his departure from this city and will undoubtedly leave this dreaded city with this same catatonia (mindfully harboured to make the journey away that much easier). i on the other hand left with a yearn for change and have found it - but in the process i seem to have fogotten what i miss - is that possible? can you forget what you miss? does the act of missing something need to happen to feel fullfilled? or am i resurging my addiction to nostalgia?
anyways, this movie has re-awakened something in me i cant quite put my finger on. unrealized dreams? a potential not fullfilled? im not sure. i love the concept though - something you can say without actually saying "i love you" and still get the meaning across. i love the ambiguity - the unanswered questions..maybe thats all this bit of nostalgic melancholi is...an unanswerable question. that just needs to hang there for a brief minute and be. i like that - its comforting. the spirit can re-awaken - it is comforting to be reminded that I am not an open book.
oh and to JM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....
just as you think you've gotten over it. the city that masqueraded itself as an abusive boyfriend. winter's so bone chillingly cold you cursed it's very existence on the planet earth, then springs like true re-birth's openings...that's right you thought you got over all that.you thought you moved on...you tried to push the memories away, you packed your previous self into a can and sat it on your metaphorical shelf - chalking it up to history and all that goes with it. then one day you walk into a harmless video store - with a few extra dollars in your pocket and a few (so seldom) extra minutes to spare just looking around - like an art historian in the MoMa you let your mind wander...then you find a movie that perks your interest - its cover something apart from the others...it draws you in... you realize this movie was filmed in your favorite and long forgotten city about a topic so often bewildering...you realize you must buy this movie - not rent it BUY it - but you've never seen it - you take a chance - like that previous self on the shelf is calling from within forcing you on-ward. as you watch you are consumed - consumed by a loss. a loss you thought you grieved but is still there...
yes the movie was Elephant Shoes by christos sourligas and it spoke to me. spoke to me from something i thought i had left behind. it spoke to me about dreams i had once of a city that called to me. about dreams i had once of a life that i wanted to lead - to seek. i had forgotten about this life i dreampt of - about the oh so very special people that inhabit this place and that 'je ne sais quoi' that grabs you on a simple walk around the city scapes - i had forgotten about the earnest and honest 'being' that happens in this place. and i was reminded.
not only am i caught in this (hopefully fleeting) web of sickening regret (dont worry i live here I am used to it) but i am hopelessly upset that a friend of mine is returning there shortly. he arrived emotionally catatonic from his departure from this city and will undoubtedly leave this dreaded city with this same catatonia (mindfully harboured to make the journey away that much easier). i on the other hand left with a yearn for change and have found it - but in the process i seem to have fogotten what i miss - is that possible? can you forget what you miss? does the act of missing something need to happen to feel fullfilled? or am i resurging my addiction to nostalgia?
anyways, this movie has re-awakened something in me i cant quite put my finger on. unrealized dreams? a potential not fullfilled? im not sure. i love the concept though - something you can say without actually saying "i love you" and still get the meaning across. i love the ambiguity - the unanswered questions..maybe thats all this bit of nostalgic melancholi is...an unanswerable question. that just needs to hang there for a brief minute and be. i like that - its comforting. the spirit can re-awaken - it is comforting to be reminded that I am not an open book.
oh and to JM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....
posted by blogging it out at 8:01 PM
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