HATE.
when did it become so easy to HATE?
my oxford dictionary defines "HATE" as 1. to dislike (someone or something)intensely. 2. to be unwilling (to do something). i like the second part of this defintion most - i feel it describes the whole concept of HATE perfectly. isn't 'HATE' simply a strong feeling we have for something (or someone) bound up in our own unresolved issues...issues we want nothing to do with - things we want as far away from ourselves as possible. it makes it much easier for us to deal with them if they are easily wrapped up (with a neat and tidy bow) in a concept known as HATE.
now that would be all fine and good if only HATE would stay wrapped up and simple, unfortunately it does not seem to work that way. instead HATE starts wars, it kills people, it robs people of their rights and freedoms...it causes disaters...if not in their physical forms then in hidden forms, sometimes causing more wreckage than their counter-parts.
i myself am HATEd. what started out as anger, mean-ness and pointed criticism has become HATE. it has finally been labelled, but that is only half the battle. perhaps the worst part of this HATE is that it is grounded in nothing tangible. this is all about the second defintion of the word, but i feel as though it has become my responsibility to deal with it. When asked why he HATEs me - he points out my inability to share his sense of humor and my devotion to my job. are these reasons to HATE? are there ever any real reasons to HATE? does this make sense?
since i am a self-professed masochist, i wonder...I probably wonder too much. but it hits me hard that I am HATEd. in my head i know that this 'HATE' is so much about the HATEr and not the HATEd, but i turn it around enough in my head to make it spin. he does not know me. but he HATEs me. its almost like he has a secret passage way into my brain. into all the things that i HATE about myself. like he knows them and thats the only way he could really HATE me...i think about it endlessly like a looped chipmunks song in my head...
...but really in the end isn't this not just me HATEing myself?
i am angry at him for making me see all the things i HATE about me. its not fair, in his defintion he is ALLOWED to do nothing about it - since this in and of itself makes up the defintion of HATE. but for me, doing nothing means going on HATEing all the parts of me that i think he has a secret key for. i dont get the luxury of doing nothing because i have to get up ever morning and fight this battle to be me..
i'm caught in an HATE paradox...
and i HATE it.
my oxford dictionary defines "HATE" as 1. to dislike (someone or something)intensely. 2. to be unwilling (to do something). i like the second part of this defintion most - i feel it describes the whole concept of HATE perfectly. isn't 'HATE' simply a strong feeling we have for something (or someone) bound up in our own unresolved issues...issues we want nothing to do with - things we want as far away from ourselves as possible. it makes it much easier for us to deal with them if they are easily wrapped up (with a neat and tidy bow) in a concept known as HATE.
now that would be all fine and good if only HATE would stay wrapped up and simple, unfortunately it does not seem to work that way. instead HATE starts wars, it kills people, it robs people of their rights and freedoms...it causes disaters...if not in their physical forms then in hidden forms, sometimes causing more wreckage than their counter-parts.
i myself am HATEd. what started out as anger, mean-ness and pointed criticism has become HATE. it has finally been labelled, but that is only half the battle. perhaps the worst part of this HATE is that it is grounded in nothing tangible. this is all about the second defintion of the word, but i feel as though it has become my responsibility to deal with it. When asked why he HATEs me - he points out my inability to share his sense of humor and my devotion to my job. are these reasons to HATE? are there ever any real reasons to HATE? does this make sense?
since i am a self-professed masochist, i wonder...I probably wonder too much. but it hits me hard that I am HATEd. in my head i know that this 'HATE' is so much about the HATEr and not the HATEd, but i turn it around enough in my head to make it spin. he does not know me. but he HATEs me. its almost like he has a secret passage way into my brain. into all the things that i HATE about myself. like he knows them and thats the only way he could really HATE me...i think about it endlessly like a looped chipmunks song in my head...
...but really in the end isn't this not just me HATEing myself?
i am angry at him for making me see all the things i HATE about me. its not fair, in his defintion he is ALLOWED to do nothing about it - since this in and of itself makes up the defintion of HATE. but for me, doing nothing means going on HATEing all the parts of me that i think he has a secret key for. i dont get the luxury of doing nothing because i have to get up ever morning and fight this battle to be me..
i'm caught in an HATE paradox...
and i HATE it.
posted by blogging it out at 11:11 PM
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