surviving singledoom

Being single can be hazardous to your health.
i've been thinking alot about attachment - as i work with kids who have been maltreated by important attachments in their lives i realize that attachments are a very (VERY) integral part of our lives. they literally form the basis of who we are. they mold and shape the synapses in our brain and make pathways that are enduring to our 'selves' and concepts thereof (i could become even more specific - as i have been doing so much research on the topic - but why bore you?). when i say maltreatment - most people think of abuse, violence, incest... but what is most common with the kids that i see - is neglect. now when we talk about kids and attachment we think primarily of parents or parental figures BUT what about neglect in adulthood? if neglect as a form of maltreatment can have enduring consequences for children can the same thing happen for adults who have no partner? these are the questions that keep me up at night...and mostly i still sleep.

lately however, my sleep has been restless....
a friend of mine (in her early 30s) just had a stroke. that is awful in an of itself - but the worst part of seeing her in the hospital bed was looking at the bump on her head and hearing her story of trauma... she (being a single woman) was sleeping in her bed when the stroke occured. when she awoke she could not move her body - she managed to throw herself off the bed and then had to knock the phone of the bed stand with her head. to make matters worse - her companion - a wonderful dog - began to chew her legs thinking it would help her. now, you would think - the awful reailty of such a young woman having a stroke would be the most traumatizing factor of this story - but for me all i could think about was the fact that she was alone. what happens to someone who has to go through something like this alone? would having a partner in bed with you help you get to the hospital faster? needless to say - i now sleep with my cell phone.

then, i locked myself out of my house. 8am and i am stuck outside of my apartment with noone to help me back in. it was a metaphorical road block - as i sat outside my building waiting for the locksmith i thought about how easy it would have been to have SOMEONE inside to let me back in. but there was noone there. ..the lesson? not only is being single hazardous to your health BUT it also makes you late for work.

forget about dying alone in and of itself...being single brings you closer to the realization that there may be noone there when you absolutely need them. hell...being single is a constant battle against the envitable.

I have made a decision - on my tombstone i would like the following written:
"Here she lies, she tried to make a difference, was loved by those that mattered, failed heterosexuality - but survived the greatest challenge of all - being single".

Back Breaking work...

it is often said that the therapist has the ultimate pleasure of 'holding' all the trauma's and narratives from the individuals who courageously leave them on their couches... well i have finally figured out where the therapist 'houses' these stories and painful memories of their clients...squarely on their backs. how do you ask did i come to this revelation?

well...it all began with a throbbing sensation on my lower back region. i ignored it. as i do all important things involving my body in order to persue the higher power of crisis work and my own pretention at being able to 'fix' every maltreated youth to wander into my office. until one fine sunday...playing a harmless game of disk golf... i bent down and heard my back make an unsual sound. from that moment on i was incapacitated..no actually it grew to incapacitation through a fitfull sleepless night in which i cried out in the dark "please, please, make this all go away!"

now as i lay on my floor typing slowly into my keyboard i am struck by how much the stress i carry around can actually PHYSICALLY affect me. maltreatment appears to have an endless trajectory... like a disease it affects all who come into contact with it. does this all come down to a back you ask? well no. a therapist friend of mine (in her 30s) recently had a stroke in her bed at home. she is slowly recovering - but it struck me even before this 'back thing' that being a therapist is ACTUALLY harmfull to your health... maltreatment and trauma ACTUALLY inflict all who come into contact with it...the therapist is not immune.

now, after HOURS of acupuncture and herbal medication (perscribed by my very own naturopathic genius) i am beingning to feel non-painful movement return. i am being told to "relax" not move and frankly...this is driving me CRAZY - as crisis continues to happen and my manager calls me 2 to 3X a day - i realize that i have no time to relax - i must return to my house of disadvantaged, maltreated, maladjusted, and neuro-developmentally unstable youth ('back to the saltmines'..pun intended).

In my next few hours of being on this floor I will ponder whether this makes me a martyr or a masochist...i will wonder if there really is a difference....? i believe, my friends, that there is not.

but most of all I will regret not having a couch in my office...i now understand why Freud had one... forget the clients - every once in awhile a therpist needs to rest the site at which the trauma is kept - and then get "back" to work.